The Popular Front for the Liberation of the C.P.S.A

MONDAY

YES, IT'S YOUR WHOPPING PFL BULLETIN
After long and weary years burrowing away at entrist work in this Great Union, PFLCPSA `86 has returned to Conference.

DID YOU KNOW?

The PFLCPSA was born, bastard child of a union between the National Progressive League and the Islamic Left, in the late 1940's - long before any of you lot were around. It became famed for its interventions at Conference in the 1970's, but in 1982 a decision was made to move our base from Beirut to Tirana and to go underground. The Deep Entrist road was followed, and PFLCPSA agents were placed in every leading Branch. Following a Command Council decision to intervene at Conference, PFLCPSA has relaunched itself as an open organisation. Over 300 agents and activists are present at Conference (take a close look at the person sitting next to you) and substantial numbers of the NEC candidates from all 4 main factions are members, or under the influence, of PFLCPSA.

I WAS CLIVE BUSH'S GAY LOVER!
Warning! Warning! Warning! The front line agents of Forward Battle Group Achmed ben Zogu (King Zog 1 of Albania, to you) are everywhere. They see all and hear all. The ones to worry about are those NOT wearing badges.

THE PRESIDENT, THE RUBBER-GEAR AND THE POPE...EXCLUSIVE!
We call upon all Branches to submit motions to Conference 1987 advancing
our modest, realistic demands: -

- Replacement of the NEC by a Revolutionary Command Council;
- Replacement of all forms of balloting by the Popular Will of The Masses;
- All future Conferences to be held in Tirana (a transitional demand);
- Full support for the Islamic Left;
- End the stranglehold of the Catholic Action Group;
- Return the Albanian Gold.

FROM PALESTINE TO NIGHTINGALE LANE,
FROM ALBANIA TO BALHAM HIGH ROAD,

ONE STRUGGLE! ONE FIGHT!
ONWARD TO VICTORY!
*****************

IT CAN'T BE TRUE….
That John Smith went from MOD to Customs & Excise purely to ensure supplies for the Ganja Farmers Union;
That 11,000 block votes didn't get cast in DHSS Section elections because delegates were too busy watching the Cup Final;
That on the day famed NEC member Peter Desmond-Thomas (who?) was quoted in The Guardian urging a boycott of The Times, he went to an NBJ meeting with a copy of The Sun thrust, building-site style, in his back pocket;
That a prominent Home Office hack was so tired and emotional on Saturday that he attended and voted at DHSS Conference;
That The Lozenge is the only Personal Secretary in the whole wide Civil Service who can't take shorthand or type;
That teetotallers Raymonde Aldersonne, Slim Jim Caldwell and Sir Woy D'Louis have all joined the New Moral Majority;
That all Mendicant Tendency members are circumcised - there's no end to the pricks;
That the Bored Left are withdrawing motions on Full Timers' pay following the revelation that Assistant Research Officers are so badly paid that Dave Vinicka and Martin Upchurch have to moonlight, selling Socialist Worker outside Balham station;
That Bernie Williams is beginning to panic about his upcoming nuptials, staggering around Conference telling everyone that the wedding dress (in white, Bernie?) costs more than the entire annual budget of LRD Section;
That Mendicant fulltimer Bill Boyle (Special Mission: CPSA) is here on the strength of the NUJ card he obtained as a “journalist” on the Trotslot Weekly;
That Bored Left superstar Paul Moorhouse (DOE Bristol - Tollgate Hse) who inspired Pay Conference with his fiery rhetoric has abandoned the struggle against Low Pay to take a cushy number working for the Revolutionary Socialist League in London;
That congratulations are due to Tricia Whitt (DHSS Portsmouth) because she expects to hear the pitter-patter of little activists' feet in 6 months time - Richard Mortimer is 28;
That Ken Richards spent his life savings launching the Democratic Falangists (let's pray the Benevolent Fund can help);
That the canteen at Revolutionary Socialist League HQ in Hackney has more armed guards and razor-wire than Rupert Murdoch;
That Peter Desmond-Thomas has been attending SDP Trade Unionist meetings seeking badly needed funds for the Democratic Falangists.

YOUR BALLOT RIGGING TONIGHT
Section Election results have been challenged in the DNS: it seems there was a little slip at DNS Glasgow in the organisation of the ballot - but how odd that the person responsible for the organisation is the one who's challenging the results.

Results are also being challenged in 2 DHSS Regions (London North and North-East) and the possibility still exists of a challenge to the Section results. How lax of some people to sign aggregate Ballot Papers as scrutineers when they hadn't been elected at a Branch General Meeting.

QUOTES OF THE DAY
“It's people like you who make me a Right Winger."
(Graham Belchamber to Martin Smith)
“I'm going to see a psychiatrist. It's either me or all of them”
(Micky Duggan)
“I can drink what I like, and when Tracey goes back on Monday I can do what I like”
(Bernie Williams)
“I wish .you hadn't said anything to Margot Hill. I had 4 hours of it last night”
(John Hickey)
“We believe in representing the minority not the majority”
(Martin Smith)
“I did not go to a Public School”
(Tim O'Dell)
"The job of the Moderates is to react to the policies of the Left”
(John Bruce)
“It's the worst of a bad job”
(Dennis White, speaking in support of the pay offer)
“Maybe Alistair will learn how to do it in the Industrial Society”
(Pat Womersley)

HIGH SPIRITS DEPARTMENT
Popular and beloved DHSS elder statesperson Micky Duggan was the victim of a vicious, unprovoked attack on Saturday night. There he was, minding his own business at the DTI Social, passing a few mild and negotiable comments about Martin Smith's parentage and political integrity, when all of a sudden chairs started flying. The riot squad was called in and all concerned have been bailed to attend on 19th May.

CREEP OF THE DAY:
Martin Smith, Passport Office London, for getting most mentions in this bulletin.

PFLCPSA NEWS
All agents & activists: right of foyer, close of Conference today and every day - debriefing.

TUESDAY

BORE OF THE YEAR

The declared candidates for General Secretary and General Treasurer will appear at a question and answer session at close of conference today. Written questions only so that the Bored Left can sort out Eddie Spences' answers. The big shoot-out was suggested by Mendicant to show off Macreadie, but they wanted to restrict it to G.S. candidates. Leyland supporters said they would take part only if G.T. candidates were included. National Falangists said they would do it if the others did. Democratic Falangists said “What elections?".

JOHN ELLIS SEX CHANGE SENSATION
The police had to be called in to deal with `the fracas at the National Falangist rally on Sunday. Dennis (everybody's friend) White invited Pat Womersley to attend. She duly turned up and tried to get in to be greeted by the Lozenge screaming-”You, Pat, you get out, there's no way you're coming in here.” Pat, ever reasonable, replied “yes I am, I'm paid up”. The Lozenge then told her again to get out and a punch-up ensued.
The upshot was that Pat, Mary Hickman, Ken Richards and Peter Desmond Thomas were ejected physically, along with about eight Lozenge supporters who happened to be standing in the wrong place. The rally then took place with the remaining 58 members, who included three Leylanders and seven Bored Left members, led by the redoubtable Kathy Pierce who is `now leaving Mendicant to join the National Falangists.

POPE IN SAMANTHA SENSATION
Following Steve Battlemuch's declaration to DHSS Section Conference of the ultimate transitidnal demand - “We must stop natural wastage in DHSS” - it is believed that he has now proposed from his new vantage point on the SEC that "Beau Geste” tactics be adopted in the staffing campaign. Members dying without NDC authority will face severe disciplinary action, pending which they will be propped up with pen and casepaper in hand to fool Management.

MACLENNAN IN NUN BARTER SCANDAL
Ian Leedham, modest, right wing Chair of DE Section, was caught in flagrante delicto on Sunday night, having his evil way with the DE Yorks and Humberside Regional banner - the first occasion upon which PFL has obtained proof of this long-suspected and loathsome perversion. Ian's fame spreads with the news that he is shortly to appear on the BBC current `affairs programme `Banner-rammer'.

QUOTES OF THE DAY
"It's not in my nature to be sectarian”
Doreen Purvis
“I'm frustrated”
Phil Ashill
`What we should do in this union is build unity and smash Militant”
Frank Sullivan
"I didn't get one this morning”
Ian Leedham
“I stood for the NEC this year on one of the slates, but I can't remember which one” - Martin Jones, DE
`If DE management should decide to line all the staff up against the wall and have them shot, Richard Halfpenny would suggest blindfolds”
DE Avon delegate.
“I think I'm a socialist feminist”
Richard Johanson, DHSS Bristol.
“I will have nothing whatsoever to do with the truth”
Andy Hamlin, DHSS Bristol, Br.Chair.
“I only joined BL `84 in order to split the left”
Chris Grammer, DHSS W. London.
“I'm into women in a big way”
Stuart Harding.
“I need to shut myself away somewhere”
Mick Finn, DE.
"Four moderates were elected to the SEC last year - this meant that only ten people had to do the work that should be done by 14”
Dennis White.
`A bit's fallen off and it won't work without it”
Stuart Harding.
`You can't have a cult of personality around John Macreadie - he's got no personality” Dave Tierney.
`In the prison service we think of John Macreadie as the man who got us soft toilet paper”
Nick Barnes, P.D.
“In HMSO, Macreadie's old Section, we still have hard toilet paper”
Dave Tierney.
“You were well stitched up in the PFL Bulletin"
Stewart MacClennan to Bernie Williams.
“Yes, well Tracy has gone back and I don't give a fuck”
Bernie Williams.
“I'm not a member of the National Front. They're far too left for me”
J. Louth (NEC candidate).
“If I'm sick at all, I'm sick of the National Moderate Group”
Pat Womersley.

IT CAN'T BE TRUE
- Ian Leedham has been dealing, in drugs: he was heard to ask a female delegate if she wanted a smack.
- that Stewart MacLennan is sulking at conference following his rejection as Director of Scottish War on Want.
- that John Ellis, CPSA's next General Something, attended MOD Section Conference and asked to speak. Sylvia Parry refused his reasonable request and he stood at the back of the hall for half an hour and then stormed out.
---that Kate Losinska, who had been due to address MOD Section, then refused to speak because of the insult to friend John.
-that the following dialogue took place between DE delegates on Monday:-
John Mackie: “Kate Pearce is a virgin”
Another delegate: “That's sexist”
John Mackie: “I didn't say which gender”.
- that when Derek Hatton visited the Militant rally (some taxi fare that!) he
brought with him redundancy notices for all delegates.
- that Alistair Wallace has negotiated a revised Retirement agreement in OPCS. Members can now stay on till they are 75. You're O.K Katie…
- that Tracy took Jonathan Baume down on the beach so he could practice being leader of the Labour Party.
- that the SWP are going to boycott Conference, starting with Kieran Kelly's
failure to move Motion 165 yesterday.

HACKS MAD PELF SCRAMBLE
DHSS Section's full time para-military wing, Tony Ledgerton, has finally succumbed to Militant. He is leaving CPSA to take over command of Derek Hatten's Static Security Force and create a sinecure for demure, diminutive and defeated Jim -`Orange Obelisk' -CaIdwell. Already furious contention for the post has emerged from debauched Mancunian thug Frank Sullivan, who knows a cushy number when he's seconded to it.

WANTED: GENERAL SECRETARY
To service large public service union/ remedial institute. Applicants should be intolerable egomaniac with unrepressed libido willing to propagate thoughts of self/ Samuel Smiles/ T.Grant M.Duggan, as necessary. Ability to wear day-glo wig made of door-matting an advantage. (Some would say).

our ref: PFLCPSA/2/TUE/86/GEN/GOUT.

WEDNESDAY

HATTON JOINS SDP SENSATION

PFL operatives packed the commencement of the fulltimers election campaign to be predictably bored for 90 minutes while their heroic leadership crawled away after 5 minutes token laughter to the pub. McVicar made his usual pledge to donate his extra salary to Band Aid should2 he be elected, his current income of £17,000 plus Hatton-style expenses being quite sufficient to eke out a humble, existence.. Lewtas and Ellis are quite happy to just stuff the money into their pockets. Lewtas gave a grovelling apology for his RED support while Ellis enthralled us all with his struggled for justice and truth. Needless to say no one was awake when Monsignor John Raywood was speaking including the great man himself.

MASONIC NEWS
Meanwhile back at the ranch there' s unusual gloom and despondency in the Mendicant camp following the failure of their mass rally on Monday. Fortunately John McLaughlin adequately compensated for the absence of Derek Hatton, unavoidably detained at an emergency meeting of the Liverpool Royal Arch Lodge (237 Invicta) called to ensure that the false corruption charges are dropped (no problem Derek, the Chief Magistrate is a PGM). The measly collection of £2,500 came not from the 200 dupes lured to the venue in the hope of seeing Ian Rush but from the usual mass tithe dragooned over the past nine months.

KEVIN'S COLUMN
Famed PFL operative John Butcher, a fat git, has lost ten stone since joining Weight-Watchers. Nevertheless, two seats have been reserved at Nightingale Lane ready for the great mans' return, when Sheila Scott-Anderson eventually buys her council house and retires.

Martin Smith, a nobody in the Home Office, speaks fluent French. After coming out of the sanatorium he worked in a Parisian hotel where his major task was to change the bed-sheets every thirty minutes. It took four months before it dawned on him that he was working in a brothel.

Clive Bush has been unusually silent these days due to liberal helpings of Mandrax taken with his morning bottle of whisky. His depression, though alcohol related, has been aggravated by the prospect of retirement next year and the likelihood of being succeeded by his old sparring partner, Kevin Roddy.

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot.

JOHN ELLIS, General Secretary elect, has already commenced his victorious campaign. Turning to DOUG MURDOCH, he wittily commented that the degenerate “had better spend the next few weeks looking for a .job, because when I'm General Secretary you're through”. Dear DOUG was far too pissed to grasp the full significance of our leader's remarks.

DAVE VICKERS has taken to Kung Fu in his spare time which is ample following his demise at the hands of the masses of DE. At the recent DE social he demonstrated his skill by bravely pushing drunken has- been PETER THOMASON down the stairs.
As the cheery delegates left the DHSS social early yesterday morning MARTYN JENKINS wagged his paw and said “Goodnight MICKEY” to DUGGAN, the BL `84 supremo, to which the said DUGGAN wittily replied “FUCK OFF YOU WANKER”.

DNS Glasgow, run by Mendicants chief satrap EDDIE PHILLIPS, maintained the principled line in opposing Motion 197 that relaxed the ban on casuals. The fact that the Branch has had 170 casuals for the past five years was sadly forgotten during the great debate.

BERNIE WILLIAMS came into some luck. He won a crystal decanter at the Moderates dance last Monday which was given to PETER THOMASON for safe keeping. Dear PETER, however, who is soon to take a well earned rest in Hollywood, has `Borrowed' the crystal for a belated anniversary present for his wife JEAN, MRS THOMASON is currently touring the world on behalf of the MOONIES as a representative of Civil Service youth.

ALISTAIR GRAHAM at the Moderate Beano showed his usual contempt for his erstwhile supporters by completely boring them and cracking jokes at their expense with his RED CHUMS BL `84.

FINNIGAN'S WAKE
There is no truth in the allegations sweeping Conference that SILWOOD LODGE residents are clubbing together to buy a can of oil for the bed-springs in a famed Scot's room following a marathon bout from 2.3Oam to 4am.

QUOTES OF TODAY
“I'm rigging the ballot”
George Lobo.
“Nothing's going on - only women's stuff”
Doug Murdoch.
“My legs ache if they're not horizontal enough”
Geoff Lewtas.
“What's that fat woman doing sitting in the Chair?”
A new delegate.
“If I can't score some more dope soon I'm going to have to find a big enough fag paper and smoke the President”
Stuart Harding.
“You can catch AIDS from tools”
Bernie McGurk.
“Ellis knows his limitations - that's his strength: Raywood doesn't - that's his”
Andy Brooks.
“It must be right - it's in the Sun”
Colin Pearson.
“If I was an establishment officer, half this lot wouldn't get through the front door”
Peter Thomason (neither would he).
“I just give up”
Bernie Williams.
“Every time I go sunbathing, Greenpeace send a ship to drag me back in the ocean”
Frank Smith.
“God help the Passport Office”
Kate Losinska.
“He looks more like John Macreadie than John Macreadie, he's dead boring and he doesn't wash very often.”
Tony Conway on Steve Dunk.
“Phil Ashill gets his clothes pressed at the same place as Rod Bacon”
Kevin McHugh.

POT AND KETTLE DEPARTMENT
"You're a loony” -Steve Dunk to Martin Smith.
"You're a screwball” - Ellis to Smith. (that's enough Smiths - ed).

YESTERDAYS HERO
Terry Adams for snubbing Her Majesty the Queen on April 30th when she made a State visit to HMSO Norwich.

HERO OF THE DAY
Gerry McMahon now on hunger strike until he is admitted to Conference.

CREEP OF THE DAY
Ray Alderson for putting his name to an article in the Morning Star (a low circulation daily) which was in fact penned by Geoff Lewtas.

PFL Badges available from your local agent. PFL Pub - The Fortune of War.
Our Ref: PFLCPSA/3/ WED/86/GEN/AIDS.

THURSDAY

RACING from BALHAM HEATH

DRAW: LOW numbers best over 5 and 6f.

Channel 4: 3.303.30 “GENERAL SECRETARY” HANDICAP (45-y-o) (3m) £27,000

1. 001 JOHN ELLIS (1) Mrs N Chambers 13-10. R. GROVES
Mrs K Losinska OBE overweight
Blue on Blue - White cap

2. ffp JOHN MACREADIE (47) T Grant 3-10. T. ADAMS
D Hatton
Red, Red and Red

3. 5uf GEOFF LEWTAS (2) R Alderson 7-5. F. SULLIVAN
Mrs G Lewtas
Pink dash of blue and yellow streak across back

PFL CPSA Betting Forecast: JOHN ELLIS 1-10, GEOFF LEWTAS 11-4, JOHN MACREADIE no offers.

MAN ON THE SPOT: JOHN ELLIS
Ellis is from a stable in form and ran well last time out and is expected to win at these weights. Lewtas, a maiden, is badly bred but trainer claims he does well when the going is soft. Macreadie has not fulfilled past promise and is badly placed despite optimism in home gallons.

SOCIAL NEWS
A pitiful handful crept along to the Socialist Carcass Beano yesterday lured by the promise of touts of fabulous prizes at the Raffle. It transpired however that the 1st prize of a bottle of whiskey was a miniature and the others had come from an Oxfam Shop. The dummy head of ROD BACON (bald head, beard, specs and bad breath) was won by a hapless member of Hackney UBO who has not as yet got his money back. Meanwhile at the Broad Left Cabaret PETER COLTMAN was denying admission to anyone who declined trample on the used copy of MENDICANT placed strategically across the entrance.

Our ref: PFLCPSA/4/THUR/86/GEN/POX

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

The trouble with people is they don't understand how to handle Conference or as DOUG MURDOCH observed “They stay sober in the day and pissed of a night, where as I get pissed in the daytime and sober up in the night”. The stress and strain in this heady atmosphere is beginning to tell. Pretty JANE McINTOSH our able finance officer clean forgot to dress yesterday but coped ably in her fetching pink dressing gown. ALLSTAR GRAHAM is giving away signed souvenir photographs to all and sundry. So far only one member has taken up his offer. LEON TROTSKY'S shade as usual hovers over conference as his followers act out his fantasies in Brighton seedier hotels and bars. MENDICANTS PETER TRASH has more than been matched by SWP's TONY CLIFF an insane old man who believes he is the radical alternative to KINNOCK. SW's great debate however hinges on whether to pull the rug on MENDICANT during the General Secretary Elections or wait until ELLIS wins. Finally, DOUG MURDOCH was overheard being advised by a fellow full timer to apply for the vacancy of Negotiations Officer at BIFU. CHUCK CLARKE would see him alright.

TRIVIAL PURSUIT
GEOGRAPHY - Is Martin Smith's brain located at the North or South end of his digestive system?
HISTORY - Why is this the 1st year since 1926 that Roy Lewis is found in the Observers Gallery?
SCIENCE AND NATURE - What is the specific gravity of STUART McLENNAN's blood system?
SPORT - How many points was JONATHON BAUME awarded for the somersault at 1985 conference?

CONFERENCE CIRCULATION REPORTS
PLF CPSA BULLETIN - Approx 3,000,000.
MENDICANT - 48,322 (card vote pending).
DAILY MIRROR - 1,500.
SPORTING LIFE - 1,225.
SOCIALIST WORKER - 1,225.
THE TABLET 520.
NEW WORKER - 75.
ROYAL MASONIC NEWS - 52.
THE NEXT STEP - 38.
THE MORNING STAR - 20.
THE GUARDIAN - 3.
PLAYBOY - 1 (McVICAR).
THE WASHINGTON POST - 1. (GRAHAM).
RED TAPE - NIL.

QUOTES OF TODAY
“JOHN MACREADIE should get back on the Robertson's jam jars”.
KEVIN McHUGH
“The Catholic Truth Society is a contradiction in terms”.
PAUL FLEWERS
“Let's go forward and cast our minds back to this morning”.
MARK SERWOTKA
“The Good Ship Tromans gets worse every year - more vindictive - just like us all”
DAVE MACNAB
“JOHN ELLIS is like ALISTAIR GRAHAM without a brain”
MARTYN JENKINS
“Nobody takes any fucking notice of me anymore”.
KEVIN McHUGH
“The best bum in the Section”.
FRANK SULLIVAN on FRANK SULLIVAN

COMPETITION
A free PFL Cadre badge to the 1st delegate or observer to explain the mysterious connection between MARTIN SMITH's former job as an Ice Cream Salesman on a French Nudist Beach his popular nickname of Acorn.

FRIDAY

GANG WARFARE HITS BRIGHTON

Broad Left 84 and the Broad Left are spending all their time telling and spreading lies about each' other following serious clashes on and outside Conference. At the DNS Social Steve Cardownie did sterling work in seeing off the provocation of Doreen Purvis and her gang of ruffians who had been hurling abuse in his direction. When he said `Excuse me, would you mind leaving you are disturbing my guests, please depart' the laughing response provoked the heroic Scot to retire forthright comments which had the desired effect. Ten minutes later, when it was all over, 'I'll hold your coat' Adams, Caldwell and Campbell emerged to claim that they had quelled the unpleasantness The next day not to be outdone social Calvinist Stuart McClennan made his dramatic intervention against Martin Smith's point of order. The menacing Scots foul language and bearing plainly terrified young Martin - all he could hear was South London bruiser Mickey Duggan chanting `Kick him, Kick him' from the top table even though his hands were in his pockets all the time.

Application forms for both organisations can be obtained in the foyer. Incidentally though both incidents were witnessed by millions not one will admit to having seen anything at either venue.

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

RALPH GROVES has been casting his eyes around Brighton's car showrooms for a new CAPRI (furry dice optional).His regular absences from Southern Assembly business to spend his weekends in WAPPING, an East London suburb may account for his new found wealth. FRANK HAMILL, not used to these mean streets forgot that the ceiling was the same height as his toilet door and cracked his head when he got up from the throne. He is now in hospital. LORD JARRATT is rejoicing at having beaten OSSIE X in the only election he hasn't rigged. JOE LAMB has on the other hand been having a ball clapping like a Muppet every five minutes now that he hasn't got FRANK PEMBERTON sitting on his shoulder. Congratulations to ANDY PURKISS for getting elected even though coming 35th in the ballot and finally commiserations to ALISTAIR GRAHAM who will be spending the entire period of the General Secretary elections in Disneyland explaining why he failed to block the Nicaragua motion..

Spelling mistake of the week: Muffin Smith is a cult

SOCIAL NEWS
Poor Pat is down in the dumps despite the elevation of Messrs Grimes and Howarth, and it was a sad evening at the Madeira. The Democratic Moderates got the ball rolling with a rally - 200 chairs were laid but only 12 turned up, 4 of whom were hotel staff. The Social was equally spartan. 35 prizes were generously donated but as only 35 tickets were sold everyone won a prize, including Appleton, Alders and Roy Lewis, a drunkard of no account. Pat Womersley was seen standing alone at the bar clutching a 4 pack of Ploughmans bitter, something else nobody has ever heard of.

THE WIT AND WISDOM 0F STEVE CARDOWNIE
“You and me outside and bring your coat as you won't be coming, back”. attrib. at DNS social.
“If she sets any thicker she'll set”.
referring to D. Purvis
“How can you vote for a man who looks like a lavvy brush”. referring to fellow Caledonian John Macreadie
“When I was in the SWP folk like Martin Smith would never have seen the light of day at conference."

LIVE AIDS NEWS
`I am buggered'
Andy Hamley DHSS Bristol
`I don't care about bestiality, it's the homosexual side that worries me'
A DHSS ELB delegate who wishes to remain nameless.

DEAD AID
1. 210 kilometre sprint
2. Hop Skip and Melt
3. The Three Legged Race.

QUOTES OF TODAY
“I'm happy to be on this platform and so is Tone, because it's the first time we've spoken together”.
EDDIE SPENCE referring to Tony Benn
“I'm well and truly fucked”.
BERNIE WILLIAMS
“If I get down early Roy Lewis will give me one”
LILIAN MARLEY Passport Office Glasgow
“I don't really care what Trotsky says"
NORMAN JACOBS
“Sex is a very important issue”
JOHN MACREADIE
“I like breasts”.
JOHN ELLIS
“They've nothing on me. I've said nothing of significance in the last 2 years .
RIKI WIGLEY
“I don't know what I'm talking about”
MARGO HILL
“Peter Thomason buys me drinks"
ROD BACON
“It's not right, in a large town like Brighton, behaving like people from outer space”.
KATE LOSINSKA
“I don't know what to do with all the men except tie them all up”.
KATE LOSINSKA
“I want the annual report made more sexy”
JOHN ELLIS
“They can have any damned committee they want as long as they are home to make the fucking tea”.
KEVIN McHUGH on women's rights
“Who's round”.
JOHN BUTCHER
“If Alistair wants a presentation he will have to steal it”.
DOUG MURDOCH
“This is only the beginning”.
PAT WOMERSLEY
“When I spoke at a voting meeting I was unable to put forward a coherent argument.”
VERONICA BAYNE

NUCLEAR REACTIONS
Though reticent in Conference our chums at Atomic Energy have not been idle. Together with BNFL they have written to Ivor Doseoff, their counterpart at Chernobyl sending warmest greetings and inviting a delegation to inspect British installations and dispel the myth of the dangers of the power of the future. Staying at the GRAND HOTEL SELLAFIELD. Every room is centrally heated to 4000 degrees, lead lined showers and w.c., Chicken Kiev every night, with free milk - the vegetables cross the road by themselves, there is a regular bus service and the nearest pub is only 200 miles away. Set in its own grounds with great fishing (4Olb minnows) and a dedicated fire brigade.

The entertainment will be provided by the DUNGENESS HOT SHOE SHUFFLERS, whose repertoire includes:

Great Balls of Fire
Keep on Running
In the Heat of the Night
Ashes to Ashes
Blinded by the Light
Blowin' in The Wind
Light my fire
Bits and Pieces
Flash Bang Wallop
Bright Eyes
Leaving on a Jet Plane
Wide Eyed and Legless
Jake the Peg
(This) Wheels on Fire
Flash Dance
Chain Reaction
Me and My Shadow
Fly me to the Moon
Clouds Upon the Moon
Fire

REDS

ROY JONES, an inarticulate drunkard has represented the Morning Star all week at Conference. Most of the time he has been drinking himself silly at members' expense in CLIVE BUSH'S Press Bar while RAY ALDERSON writes his turgid copy. Comrade Jones is on full pay plus expenses from the Morning Star, a paper printed on bog-roll and on the verge of bankruptcy.

However COMRADE RAY has not been idle. When not parading like a beach boy he effectively snookered what was to have been yet another MENDICANT coup by nobbling TONY BENN before he arrived in Brighton and getting him to switch to backing the BL84 strategy for LABOUR PARTY affiliation.

The MENDICANT READERS BEANO was however an unmitigated success, with thousands pouring in for the punch-up. Unfortunately nothing happened as no BL84 member dared show his face following the issue of their recruitment leaflet.

GEOFF LEWTAS is non too pleased. His election campaign is in the hands of madmen like JONATHAN BAUME but that's not surprising as he didn't initiate it in the first place. Meanwhile Mendicant barkers are denying rumours that they are organising a whip round to help Jonathan get a proper duplicator for Blackpool.

Not only has some of Mendicant's slush fund disappeared but also some enterprising individual has knocked off a case of Clive Bush's whisky, depriving him of breakfast. But the last word must go to KEVIN BRANDSTATTER who while discoursing on the benevolence of RED BRIGADES said that ROY LEWIS was the only man who possessed more canes than shirts but he was going to get him a walking frame for Christmas.

PFLCPSA NEWS
And so bibi, to Alistair and all our chums with thanks to all our helpers and workers who provided the money and labour to produce these issues. A special word for PRONTOPRINT and for our typists, to John Macreadie for getting the observers' tickets for the retired PFL leaders and all of Paul Flewers' mates, John Butcher and our friends in the Moderate Tendency without whose help none of this was possible and of course to you. If you want to keep in touch give your name and address to your nearest agent NOW!

I WILL RETURN AND I WILL BE MILLIONS
Eva Peron