The Popular Front for the Liberation of the C.P.S.A
ROUND AND ABOUT
BY JUDAS ISCARIOT early SEPTEMBER 2011
Strange days. Strange days that have tracked us down and they're going to destroy our casual joys. A downcast summer, not seen since the 1960s. England thrashing India in the Test series and Falconcrest lit by the blaze of the Party superstores shop during the London riots on Monday 8 th August.
That evening the wretched of the earth marched down the Falcon Road to take the trainers, smartphones and 3D TVs that were rightfully theirs under the benign watch of five hapless policemen, two helicopters and an intrepid Sky News reporter who spent nearly three hours watching Debenhams (the store previously known as Arding & Hobbs) being happily plundered by the hoodies and passers-by who joined in the fun. Ironically one of the largest police stations in South London, Lavender Hill (of “Mob” fame), is a bare 200 yards distant, but their available officers had been deployed to Lewisham and Peckham – miles away.
Bus services were suspended, although train services were undisrupted. Falcon Road was sealed off which allowed the hoodies to use the bus depot as a dumping ground for their loot as they trekked past Falconcrest to Debenham's, JDSports and Currys. More enterprising individuals drove to the PCS car park to use as a base to load up with assorted trainers, clothes, mobile phones and TVs. Sadly, but correctly, the PCS security cameras were all pointing to the back door rather than the car park.
While all this was going on, JANICE, who was in the Falconcrest flat that she uses when she is in town on official business, had to request a security escort to get her out of the vicinity. JIM HANSON was holed up in the FALCON during the rioting and suitably enraged the governor's wife by repeatedly banging the bar and demanding to be served. This did not go down well as the governor of the Falcon was outside defending it from hoodies on the look-out for free booze.
HANSON, who likes the FALCON as it is literally next door to PCS HQ, came very close to being barred for boorish behaviour, which would not be uncharacteristic. Not so lucky were two PCS admin staff who had stepped out of the pub to cheer on the youths who had added some sparkle to their otherwise mundane existence that day. MAUREEN FEVIERE and TARA BLACKMAN were spotted by the enraged landlord who's imposed life-time bans on them (which in practice means for as long as the current landlord holds the tenancy).
HANSON however will soon be no longer with us. He's withdrawn his ET (PFL passim ) in return for a buy-out early retirement and the only stumbling block is agreement over settlement of his outstanding holiday pay. JIM will be having a series of farewell “dinners” for his chums in September if all goes well.
Back at the Chateau, ENRICO TORTOLANO, the useless former CBI employee and Euro enthusiast, who poses as an expert on the Cuban revolution (his boring four part lecture on Cuba starts here on Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZjZEOhwRxQ ) has been TPed to band 5, much to the consternation of all the other band 5's who have threatened resignation en-masse.
PAT BUDHU, another useless timeserver from the research department has refused to move desk during recent staff moves. She was given a written instruction to attend her new desk at 4.30pm on a specified day, refused, and has not been seen since.
Obese HR Supremo, NIGEL PIERCE is making so much of his deteriorating health that LEON BOFF (no fan of PIEMAN) suspects he is working his ticket and has taken advice from M'Learned friends to ensure PCS doesn't end up with a fat bill. Mr PASTRY recently took all his staff to a team-building lunch in his favourite pie shop up in London. His immobility meant a fleet of cabs took him and his staff there and back – charged to PCS . He was only rumbled when spotted in the car park by an eagle eyed member of the finance department and the PIEMAN been forced to pay it all back.
During the recent austerity measures at PCS, PIERCE saved the canteen single handedly by announcing he had a “business plan” to make it viable. This involved doubling the prices of everything so now the only two members of staff that use it are PIERCE and the equally rotund PAUL SMITH.
BETH LAMONT has just had her fourth child. Congratulations. Her staff suspect she serially allows herself to fall pregnant because PCS pays for a full time nanny for her, rather than insult her with the childcare vouchers everyone else has to use now the PCS nursery is shut. But that's austerity for you, it has a tendency to be unequal in application. The members pick up the tab anyway, so it's no big deal.
Meanwhile the struggle over pay and the proposed pension “reform” for the full-time officers and PCS staffers continues not much helped by the fact that the staff GMB branch is led by BOB BARRON. BOB's a nice bloke but he is totally ineffective as a negotiator as one glance at his latest missive shows.
“There will be a 60 day consultation period whatever is decided, and this would be both collective and individual consultation.”
As GMB is THE recognised union within PCS, collective bargaining is the ONLY way. WTF has individual consultation got to do with it? Bloody Hell, we're unions. Has someone lost the meaning of the word "union"? Multi-layered vegetable? Quite probably, given this tosh.
If (and it is a big if) GMB calls a strike on the basis that PCS staff T&C's are supposed to mirror those of the Civil Service but are actually far worse than Government proposals for the CS, it will be very interesting to see who will “find” they can work from home and avoid the picket line, including SERWOTKA. Many of the senior LU members, BATTLEMUCH, BAUGH, CAWKWELL, CHURCH, CONWAY, FUGE, to name a few, now have PCS sinecures (jobs for life, gained through open competition, of course) – and are GMB members. They are unlikely to want to bite the hand that fed them.
PCS members are rightly concerned with admin functions and how their subs are spent. We need to deal with a fully functioning, non-stressed outfit, adequate to cope with our requirements, not people who are pressured more than we are.
Boringly, under BARRY's regime, staff had good T&C's and a good work ethic. Latest blurbs from PCS tell us of additional recruitment on the back of the 30 th June strike, despite a shrinking CS. Should mean more dosh/better conditions for the workers in PCS offices, to give the members better core service. Innit?
ficta voluptatis causa sint proxima veris
pleasing fictions should at least be nearly truth
Quintus Horatius Flaccus (65 BC – 8 BC)
Post Office's new broadband service guarantees next day delivery of emails
In a bold move, which merges technology with tradition, the Post Office has launched its new Internet service with the firm promise that all emails will be delivered the day after sending.
‘In launching our ISP, we are capturing the quintessential qualities that the public has come to recognise from a nationalised provider,' said Managing Director, David Smith. ‘We are so confident of our service that I can categorically say that even if your email is sent after 5:30pm, we guarantee its delivery the following day, if not first thing in the morning, certainly by lunchtime. Well let's say teatime just to be on the safe side. That is, of course, provided that the next day is not a Sunday or a public holiday.'
‘In the usual manner,' he continued, ‘we are able to deliver packages of all sizes, and if the recipient is not logged in, we promise to leave a simple email giving details of where they can collect their attachments. Unless they look fragile, in which case we'll just go to their house and chuck them over the gate.'
Mr Smith announced; ‘Customers will have full online access and be able to shop in the usual way. Our joint venture with catalogue retailer Argos is promising to deliver the same standard that High Street shoppers have relished for many years,' he boasted. ‘At busy times, the internet shopper will be given a number allowing them to visit their chosen website within half an hour of going on line. And, on top of all this, our shopping service will be available, at no extra charge, on Sundays between the hours of 10am and 4pm.'
To differentiate itself from the crowded internet market, the Post Office will charge a set amount for each email sent, offering first and standard class prices for the service. ‘This is a truly innovative pricing structure,' said BBC's Technology Correspondent Rory Cellan-Jones, ‘but they have been rather coy about delivery times. I called them last week and they promised to respond by email straight away, but I have yet to receive a reply.'
Mr Smith finished with a plea for customers, ‘There is always a rush at holiday times, so we recommend that all customers email early for Christmas, especially if they are sending large attachments abroad.‘