The Popular Front for the Liberation of the C.P.S.A

ROUND AND ABOUT

BY JUDAS ISCARIOT - MID OCTOBER 2011

A buzz of excitement and trepidation fills the dug-outs as we prepare for the new offensive. On the glacis of the ridge we can see plainly the broad tracks which our tanks had made in the last big push. We pick our feet carefully among the tangles of the barbed wire as we move forward to the observation point deep in No-Mans-Land…

Yes, another big push is in the offing. But this time it's been called by the TUC and the running is going to be made by Unite and Unison, the real biggies in the movement, with PCS playing second-fiddle along with all the other public service unions that are joining in the fun. The Cameron government refuses to seriously negotiate with the TUC or the public sector unions and now it is threatening to slash the remaining facility time of lay officers in the civil service as part of the austerity programme. Meanwhile, OLIVER LETWIN discovers a new way of filing in St James' Park that would be an instant dismissal and prosecutable offence if any of his minions tried it, and LIAM FOX and JANE AITCHISON once again prove Newton's Law that what goes up must inevitably come down…

“On 30 th November,” our great and glorious leader MARK SERWOTKA declares: “we expect 20 unions representing three million workers to be standing shoulder to shoulder against a hostile and uncompromising government. Potentially, this will be the biggest strike in UK history. This is clearly not a time for ‘business as usual' and all our resources should be targeted at making N30 and our wider campaign a great success”

Curiously enough this is not the usual hyperbole from the Man of the Valleys. The Government refused to shift during talks between TUC chief BRENDAN BARBER and Cabinet Office minister FRANCIS MAUDE on the fringe of the Tory conference in Manchester earlier this month. So, barring a Pauline conversion on pensions by the Cameron-led Coalition government, over three million public sector workers will be on strike on 30 th November. This will be over three times the number who took part in the PCS and teaching unions strike in June, and a million more than those who took part in the 1926 General Strike.

Back at Château Falconcrest the senior officers have gone into top gear to try and get a big turnout for the ballot and an even bigger turn-out for the strike. But one of their wheezes, to cover the entire side of Falconcrest with a huge banner supporting the strike, has been stopped in its tracks by Tory Wandsworth Council. The council say that this banner, which would be seen by millions of commuters travelling through Clapham Junction, requires “planning permission”. This takes time. The application, if it is made, will not be heard until after the strike and needless to say, will not be granted by the Tory worthies of the London Borough of Wandsworth.

This has all overshadowed the purge of JANE AITCHISON which was inevitable once it was discovered that the self-proclaimed RED had hypocritically sent her daughter to an elitist private school rather than the plebeian comprehensive schooling upheld by her MENDICANT comrades, and most of the LABOUR Party for that matter.

LABOUR MP DIANE ABBOT had to leave the leftist Socialist Campaign Group of Labour MPs for a similar reason and JANE'S position became untenable once the story broke at Brighton conference this year (see PFL passim ). She clearly thought she could weather the storm but her nemesis came this month with the news that the Socialist Party, which ultimately calls all the shots in the BIG TENT, was not going to support her re-election as DWP Group President and that she had been dropped in favour of ultra-loyalist FRAN HEATHCOTE next year. To add further insult to injury, FRAN isn't in the SP.

And it wasn't just over the private schooling of her offspring either. For good measure the grandees are also blaming AITCHISON for the failure of the DWP Contact Centre Campaign. They claim that she refused to accept the employers' first offer, despite advice to do so from JANICE GODRICH and LEON BAUGH, and now the union has had to accept a second offer worse than that first one.

Madame AITCHISON isn't taking any of this lying down. After all, she's still DWP President until May 2012 and she thinks she can do them considerable damage over the next few months.

She's torn up her Socialist Party card and her partner, ROB WILLIAMS, has followed suit. Both of them are trying to rally support within DWP in a last ditch effort to retain the nomination when the ‘Democracy Alliance' slates are formally drawn up at the BIG TENT annual conference later in the year. Are the grandees bothered?

No. Though JANICE is now refusing to speak to JANE the grandees see no need to make much of this spat. When CPSA took over the high-caste unions the grandees realised that there was a “womens' vote” to be wooed in the new PCS constituency that they could bag if they put their own female comrades to the fore. JANICE was one. JANE was another. She was a creation of the grandee list and without it she will sink, as SEVI before her, like a stone. Neither JANE nor ROB has a personal vote worth talking about as JANE was always seen by the rank-and-file as a cipher for GODRICH and BOFF. At the same time ROB was regarded as utterly useless in every thing he did (though to be fair this was largely because the grandees tasked him to do things like Health and Safety that he knew nothing about). Incidentally, WILLIAMS was the product of a fee paid education.

Still, while there's life there's hope. JANE deludes herself that she still has a future beyond staring at a computer console in some dreary provincial DWP office for the rest of her working life while 4TM do their best to exploit the scandal for their own sectarian benefit.

It's a difficult call for 4TM. Some of their Labour followers are the product of comprehensive education and support universal state education. Others, the 4TM Tory element who would prefer to see the return of the old selective system still used in Kent and Bucks, can hardly defend JANE as a champion of “freedom of choice” when they were gloating over JANE'S embarrassment only a few months ago in Brighton.

Still, 4TM seems to have made better progress in championing the defence of existing pension rights of Falconcrest staff that is threatened by a new pay and pension “reform” deal that some say is far worse than that which the Government seeks to impose on the service as a whole. It certainly annoyed veteran MOD activist, STUART HARDING.

Brigadier HARDING threw a grenade into the bunker at the PCS Midlands Regional Forum held in Birmingham on 15 th September. Following a lacklustre address from NEC member LORNA MERRY the Brigadier asked her to justify the imposition of CPI indexing to pensions of PCS staff when the union were using the government's intention to move from RPI to CPI on our pensions as a major campaigning factor. Ms MERRY pathetically responded that PCS had an obligation to impose the same pension arrangements on its staff as those inflicted on its members!

The Brigadier, together with his batman JOHN SINGH and KARL ‘Hippy' HETHERINGTON were so disgusted with this response they walked out of the meeting and took refuge in a safe environment (Wetherspoons). Why do all of HARDING'S stories end like this? Still it's refreshing to know that there are still men of principle in our union…

Apropos nothing in particular, Mr Pastry's recent trip to a wine "tasting" session resulted in him needing a cab back to Falconcrest. The event had nothing to do with PCS, although he attended within working hours. He may have requested to extend his lunch break to encompass such an event (although no evidence for this exists), he may have paid the taxi fare (albeit having erroeously charged it to PCS and subsequently having had the "error" brought to his attention). OK let's talk - Head of HR in PCS whose health is "not good" - spent months on the sick recently - has been taking the piss out of the staff, members, and management. He brings us all into disrepute and is fucking useless. Oh, I forgot - the wine tasting was less than 200 yards from Falconcrest. There's plenty better out there on the dole. Hardworking members who pay his inflated wages deserve better. PCS staff deserve better. This is gross misconduct.

An NHS Direct Doctor said (cos I rang them) " If you have been diagnosed as being morbidly obese and have a history of DVT (deep vein thrombosis) requiring long term sick absence from your job, on your return to work it would be considered most unwise to go out drinking and then be unable to walk a short distance downhill to return to work. I would consider this behaviour to be dangerous, not only to your own health, but to others over whom you have decision making powers."

I'm sure Finance can provide written evidence, if not, there's enough hearsay to justify termination of his contract. This behaviour cannot be allowed to continue at the members expense, PFL have remarked on NIGEL PEARCE's misbehaviour ad nauseam. We prefer to comment on other, more political matters, but we need to be assured our subs are being used responsibly at HQ and not being frittered away needlessly by employing those whose talents so obviously lie elsewhere. Not totally unlike the FOX/CAMERON situation, nor the AITCHISON/SP/LU situation. Except Mr PASTRY hasn't had his face floured...yet.

The history of saints is mainly the history of insane people
Benito Mussolini
Fascist dictator

1883 - 1945

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In the latest bid to tackle soaring unemployment figures, the government has today announced the reclassification of motherhood as full-time employment. ‘It is high time the dedicated, tireless and valuable contribution of full-time parents is duly recognised by this administration,' announced Minister for Employment, Chris Grayling. ‘After many years of lobbying for this kind of recognition, we hope that mothers will embrace their new status, if not the housing and child benefits they are now no longer entitled to. Truly, you cannot put a price on a mother's love. So we're not going to pay them either.'

While Mumsnet cautiously welcomed the acknowledgement of mothers' contribution, they were quick to campaign for improved working conditions for mums. ‘Mothers should be entitled to the same basic rights as any other British worker,' said a spokeswoman while whipping up a batch of marshmallow squares for Mufti day. ‘We insist that mums are given proper training, regular breaks, paid holiday and proper recompense for the massive service they are – WILL YOU DO YOUR WEE-WEES ON THE POTTY CAMERON – providing society.'

But others have been less enthusiastic about the move and several thousand adolescents have launched a class action against what they perceive to be incompetent mothering, citing ‘injustice', ‘unreasonable behaviour' and ‘terminal twattery' as the reasons behind their complaint. Protests from disgruntled mothers are expected to be widespread, albeit during school hours, with a brief break at lunchtime to put the drying on.

But Mr Grayling insists he will persevere with the strategy, branching out to other overlooked occupations. ‘We now realise that there were many professions we could be discounting from the figures,' he said. ‘From now on Jobsworths, professional arseholes and career wankers will no longer be considered unemployed. Although in fairness, most had already declared that they were working in the Cabinet.'

Cameron assured of easy passage for coin-operated public think tanks.

You may soon be seeing gleaming new high-tech cylindrical structures appearing on a high street near you. Coin-operated public think tanks (PTT's) are the latest innovation inspired by Mr Cameron's Big Society based desire for more public input when determining future government policies. A pound coin will buy you 15 minutes of concentrated think time whilst you sit (or recline) on a circular plinth described in the blurb as the 'thought throne'. The proposal is expected to create thousands of jobs across the UK and has so far been unopposed by opposition parties, although Shadow Home Secretary Yvette Cooper described the initiative as 'probably ending up as another example of coalition waste'

Sanité, the French company behind the design of PTT's say microphones and video cameras concealed within the panels will record all contributions made by participants.The entrance fee automatically disclaims the participant from the Data Protection Act. Recordings will be transmitted to 'minidumps' for databasing by Whitehall analysts. Ministers can expect a steady flow of wide ranging contributions which will be passed to government departments for imlementation once the system has been commissioned.

Badger cull halted as top chef claims 'they taste like lobster'

Campaigners have welcomed a moratorium on badger culling, following Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's claims that the lumbering herbivores 'taste just like lobster.'

The startling announcement was made as protesters throughout the country campaigned against the cull, which was set up to contain bovine TB. "Badgers are a beautiful part of our heritage, and should be treated with more respect", claimed Hermione Phelps, an activist in Dorset. "We want ministers to look at all the options for saving them, including their domestication and intensive farming."

In the face of falling beef prices, many farmers are considering culling their cows instead. "I never thought I'd be saying this, but I'd actually welcome a return of foot and mouth", declared Peter Giles, a cattle farmer from Gloucestershire. "If I'm honest, I've always found cows a bit boring to look at. I'd love to switch to farming something more cuddly, that goes better with Marie Rose sauce."

Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall is delighted by the badger's reversal of fortune. "I first tried badger last week", claims Hugh. "I accidentally took one out of my chest freezer that I just keep in there for show, when we're filming. As I defrosted it in the microwave, the smell was intoxicating. It's as if they've evolved to be served with risotto."

DEFRA are sceptical of the findings and have called for another enquiry. "Hugh showed us his new 'River Cottage Badger Farm', and I'm not convinced he's telling the whole truth", claimed Derek Martens, an inspector with the ministry. "He also made some pretty wild claims about badger milk being really moreish, perfectly clear and delicious with coke. But when we forced him to milk one in front of us, the udder came off in his hands. We're pretty sure he'd just filled a rubber glove with vodka, and crudely attached it to the animal with duct tape. Although we did agree that the creature would make a nice handbag."

For now, the badger has earned a reprieve, but DEFRA may reinstate the cull once their enquiry is complete. "Obviously this is an important issue for farmers, but we've got some more pressing matters to deal with first. I'm just on my way up to Scotland, to see if red squirrels really do taste like donuts."