The Popular Front for the Liberation of the C.P.S.A

An uneasy calm hangs over the trenches as we sit out the short winter days waiting for the next big push. Some say it's coming in April. Others that PCS will be forced to accept the Government's imposed pensions deal now that many of the other unions that joined us for the 30th November offensive are getting cold feet.

In fact, even at Falconcrest nobody really knows what's going on because so much depends on what Unite, Unison and the teachers are going to do next. Though Unite and the teaching unions are still up for another major co-ordinated strike, Unison seems to be closing ranks with the smaller "heads of agreement" unions that are now looking for an exit strategy. The problem is that the Government has put so little on the table that any deal, as it currently stands, will be seen as nothing more than abject surrender on terms that were on already on offer before the dispute began.

While the grandees' attempt to build resistance across the entire pension front was successful by its own terms of reference - over 550 activists from a number of unions turned up to the rank-and-file conference they called on 7th January - it was still largely a PCS affair. And while the carefully prepared motion calling on the TUC to organise a further national pensions strike was predictably passed nem con nothing was said about what PCS will do if the TUC doesn't do it - which it hasn't.

In fact, what PCS did following the lack of TUC support for another big strike in March, was to resume talks with the Government over pensions.

On other parts of the front the struggle goes on as revenue members in HMRC take action to defend jobs and even the gallery staff at London's prestigious National Gallery are up in arms against a new cuts regime. But there's feverish activity in the rear as well.

January is an important month for the fixers drawing up the slates for the national and group elections that will decide who will remain on the gravy train this year. MARK SERWOTKA is above all this. Though our great and glorious leader is nominally a member of LUNITY he's far too busy on national affairs to bother with the petty politicking of the faction bosses. But he draws a line these days when his own vanity is at stake.

Last year, the CPS northern branch won one of the communication awards for their branch newsletter. The CPS GEC on seeing such fine work, adopted it as their own with a few minor tweaks.

All was good until the newsletter featured a photoshopped pic of SERWOTKA in a General Kitchener First World War 'your union needs you' style pose. Nothing derogatory said and a genuine attempt to recruit new reps.

Cue an angry missive from FALCONCREST complaining about the un-authorised use of the glorious leader's image and insisting on more editorial control!

That MAREK, or more likely one of his lackeys, can be so vain as to bar use of his image in a recruitment campaign, in a publication he previously lavished praise, surpasses even the excesses of the REAMSBOTTOM regime.

When he's not at his desk or appearing on TV or Radio, MAREK increasingly likes to spend more time at home. And well he might. His new mansion in Chipstead, part of the Surrey "stock-broker belt", cost over £500,000. When he first moved down from Rotherham to take up the reins of the union, he was so impoverished that PCS paid for the curtains and a big chunk of the mortgage on a 3 bed semi. He was only going to take an EO wage and donate the remainder to the PCS fighting fund. Humble socialist and man of the people?

Nothing's too good for the workers. Even the roof-box on his car costs £550 plus!

As for the national lists, there's no surprises. The grandees and their PCS Democrat allies are fielding the usual list of the faithful, though SIMON COLLIS, the 4TM turncoat, failed to get on largely because it was felt by his new Democrat friends that he needs to build up an electoral base for himself in HMRC before venturing on the national stage. SIMPLE SIMON will have to do even more crawling to IAN ALBERT while he waits his turn.

But the biggest turn-up for the books is in DWP where incumbent President JANE AITCHISON, who acrimoniously broke with the grandees last autumn (see PFL passim ), garnered as many votes as her MENDICANT rival, FRAN HEATHCOTE, in the DWP LUNITY AGM elections. JANE and FRAN tied with 117 votes each for the presidency. Amazingly, her lacklustre partner ROB WILLIAMS won 108 in an unsuccessful challenge for LU group chair, narrowly beaten by DEREK THOMSON who bagged 124 votes.

None of the grandees expected JANE to get this far in her efforts to keep her DWP post. But they clearly underestimated the number of favours she could call or the impact of the SWP's intervention on her behalf. Now they've got a fight on their hands.

Chief grandee enforcer JOHN McINALLY and others rhetorically called on JANE on 22nd January to withdraw to avoid a rerun:

Dear Jane,

PCS members face severe attacks on their jobs, pay, conditions and services. Our union, particularly as a result of its leadership in the pension campaign, is now at the absolute forefront of defending workers against the coalition's cuts and privatisation programme. The left leadership in PCS is a beacon to workers struggling to defend their conditions and communities.

It is a core principle that socialists implement conference policy, both group and national: no individual, even a group president, decides what policies are to be implemented. It is also a principle that we operate democratically and inclusively. The left leadership in PCS has won respect for its disciplined approach and for placing the interests of activists and members above position or personal ambition. No individual is above Left Unity or the union and no-one has an automatic entitlement to any position.

There is deep disaffection with your leadership and you have lost the confidence and trust of significant numbers within Left Unity. Despite this you decided to embark on a divisive campaign to retain the presidential candidacy.

You have attempted to cloud the real issues that have led to this situation but there can be no unity based on your methods.

1 - You persistently attempted to obstruct national and group conference policy for a coordinated campaign around a coherent group plan preferring to treat each attack on members as a "single" or "unique" issue. When the national union encouraged you to pursue a coordinated strategy you dismissed this as "interfering" in the group.

2 - You attempted to obstruct joint work with the Commercial Sector. Your stated view that it was not DWP's job "to fight the commercial sector's battles" demonstrated a disappointing failure to appreciate why such joint work is vital to defending the interests of members in both groups, the nature of the privatisation threat and even basic principles of solidarity.

3 - You fiercely resisted holding group officers meetings to coordinate activities between GECs. Officer meetings are standard practice in every branch, region and nationally. You used the absence of such meetings to obstruct the implementation of group and national policy in favour of your "single" campaign strategy. A union can only properly function in its members interests when full democratic debate and accountability, along with collective effort is encouraged and valued.

Your conduct toward your electoral opponent Fran Heathcote has been unacceptable. Fran is writing separately to you taking up the untruthful and offensive allegations you have made about her. Robust debate is a vital part of a democratic socialist organisation but there are boundaries. Your conduct has been altogether unworthy of the office you hold and wish to retain.

There was a tie in the recent DWP LU election for presidential candidate between you and Fran Heathcote. As the incumbent you have clearly failed to secure a mandate from LU members.

Socialists put principle before position. You cannot now provide the effective, unifying lead LU activists and members expect and deserve. Maximum unity is required. We therefore appeal to you to avoid a rerun, step aside in favour of Fran and allow her the opportunity to build the unity and consensus that you no longer can. We urge you to work with the left, re-commit yourself to the principles you espoused when you were first elected LU presidential candidate and help to build a united, democratic left and union.

 Sam Hall Paul Barton Helen Flanagan John McInally

Allegedly, one of the signatories, SAM HALL , dropped his HEO Missus off at the BACK DOOR of his office on the Strike day on 30 th November and then went to the front to join the Picket Line. We sincerely hope there's no truth in this, but it came from more than one source.

Mme AITCHISON sent an equally blunt reply:

Dear John,

You are indeed correct on one point - now is a critical time for members and PCS and the Left which is why the attack the Socialist Party mounted on my leadership was so wrong and so destructive and that is why it has not been successful.

You have sought to sow dissatisfaction with my leadership and the Left Unity leadership of the DWP Group where there was none and for no good reason. You have fabricated division all for purely sectarian gain.

Despite the disgraceful smears and personal attacks you and some of your comrades have made on me, and the fact that during the last few months you have expended hours and hours on this vendetta which you could have used more purposefully for the good of the union, you have still not secured a majority of votes to unseat me.

The allegations you make against me are totally unfounded. There is no evidence for any of them because they are manufactured. All the decisions of the GEC have been unanimously agreed this year. If there were any real political reason to challenge me then surely during one of our GEC meetings you or someone would have done so.

I fully support the National Union and I always will. If I didn't Mark Serwotka would have taken me to task. Instead he has nothing but praise for this group and my leadership of it.

I give full support to every PCS member and every Trade union member. Of course I fully support commercial sector members.

I am a staunch defender of the democracy of the DWP Group. In the 8 years of my leadership I have sought maximum debate and inclusivity. We have held officers meetings where helpful. However under my leadership they will never undermine the full democracy and accountability of our elected GEC.

I will not step aside for two main reasons:

 •  Firstly I do not believe that Fran Heathcote would be competent in the role of DWP President.

Fran has little experience of negotiations. She gave a report to the GEC last week of how she was mauled by management while simply making a presentation to them on learning. How could she lead, as I do, tough negotiations on pay or during disputes?

Fran also reported to the GEC how learning reps are now facing extreme difficulties in getting time off. Although she has responsibility for this she made no recommendation about how to challenge this. I am taking it up instead. During the next year one of the major challenges we will face is the impending attack on facility time. Defending reps against that attack will be key. I will defend them. She could not.

Fran's judgement is poor. I could cite many examples - her recommendation that we weren't ready to ballot in CCD when industrially we had to and we did so successfully, her recommendation that we split a branch despite the fact that the vast majority of reps and members of the branch were opposed to it. I have had to speak to Fran repeatedly about her expenses claims which I felt were inappropriate and excessive.

Most seriously Fran has not always been successful in persuading members to stick with union policy. Nor has she always abided by union policy herself.

A few years ago management threatened our work with privatisation through the introduction of the ONE pilots. These brought together DWP, the local authority and private providers under one roof. They clearly represented threatened privatisation and the GEC recommended that members should not volunteer to staff these pilots. Most members stood firm - even though acting up was offered. Members turned down the financially lucrative acting up in favour of protecting their jobs and the service they delivered. Fran was Branch Secretary of Somerset branch at the time. She was unable to persuade her members not to volunteer. She volunteered herself - turning her back on union policy and securing acting up for herself instead. She was promoted shortly afterwards too. Nonetheless most members stuck by the union line and we won that campaign without Fran's help.

 •  Secondly I believe that the challenge on my leadership is sectarian. It is simply about the Socialist Party retaining control of the Presidency and the Group even at the expense of installing a weak candidate. Under my leadership members and Left Unity have control of our Group.

Many Independents have urged me to continue and to win. If I did not do so I would be letting them down. They are angry and upset at the way some Socialist Party comrades have put narrow political interests and loyalty to that party above the interests of our union, our members and our class at this vital time. No one likes the nastiness either. We are all brothers and sisters in the struggle. We should encourage and support one another instead of criticising and sniping.

I ask you to put party interests aside. Ask Fran to stand down. Her challenge has failed - and so it should have.

Unity of the Left is essential. If Fran does not stand down I will stand again. I pledge that if I win I will do my utmost to rebuild the unity in Left Unity you have sought to destroy.

 Jane Aitchison

We are informed that FRAN will be replying separately to JANE'S observations on her competence. As Trotsky's Independent Traders (aka The Independent Left) point out on their website, if all these problems of competence of both parties had apparently been known about for years, why had both the continued support of LU in their respective posts. Simples! They were both in the SP until Jane resigned/was sacked late last year. One does not piss on one's own chips.

The rerun will now be held in the first week of February. While there's little doubt that, one way or another, FRAN will win second time round, AITCHISON is clearly going to stand for re-election to the DWP presidency as an independent come what may. And that poses real problems for FRAN.

It will then be a four horse race as 4TM and the Independent Left are fielding candidates - DI BREEN and CHRIS HULME respectively - and if JANE gets over two thousand votes it could tip the balance in favour of Mrs BREEN.

Immense grandee pressure will now be put on the SOCIALIST WANKERS to toe the line and back FRAN to the hilt. But is a win for the infernal machine in the best interests of anyone? The Luddites were not anarchists, they did have a purpose.

Meanwhile back in the bubble that is Clapham Junction life goes on. JIM HANSON has finally given up his ludicrous ET complaint and thrown in the towel, doubtless to avoid picking up PCS costs if his frivolous claim of "religious discrimination" on the grounds of his "Moderate" beliefs was heard on appeal.

JIM can still be found most days in the FALCON when he's not at the races and he made a guest appearance on 10th January to hail ROY LEWIS, who was celebrating his 70th birthday with senior officers of the PFL and some other old CPSA chums from yesteryear including KEITH MILLS (age 66¾) and MANEK DUBASH. JANICE GODRICH, who was with her own company, came over to congratulate Sir Woy and KEVIN McHUGH even bought the old git a drink!

Emperors are necessarily wretched men since only their assassination can convince the public that the conspiracies against their lives are real.

Titus Flavius Caesar Domitianus Augustus
Emperor of Rome stabbed to death in 96 AD

On Other Pages - Barrabas

Claimants to wear benefit caps

"I'm on benefits" and "Not working, just claiming" are two of the slogans the Department of Employment are planning for compulsory headgear to be worn by benefit claimants. "The so called benefits caps are a way to provide low cost headgear to the needy during the winter months, and at the same time provide important information about the wearer," explained Junior employment minister David Sargent. "They also mark out those who are not in jobs from the working poor, whose menfolk will be allowed to wear traditional (doffable) flat caps of their choosing without slogans.

The Daily Mail will finance the caps, and the Department of Employment will supervise their compulsory wearing. Every Friday the Mail will publish a special foldable pull out double page with instructions to make the paper caps. "It's a brilliant scheme from the Mail. Not only will they be providing free hats, they'll also be offering a grounding in origami - which might lead to job opportunities," said a government spokesperson.
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Newt, Mitt and Barack are actually IKEA furniture names

Your handy print off and forget about guide to the weeks television highlights

Celebrity Toilet Mishaps

This week National Lottery hostess Jenni Falconer remembers the time that her fingers went through the toilet paper, leaving her with excrement on her hand.

"I couldn't even remember eating sweetcorn," recalls the man-shouldered presenter. "And the tomato skin is also a mystery."

How To Look Good In Solitary Confinement

The Gok Wan roadshow makes a beeline for Guantanamo.

Tonight the fashion guru gives a pep talk to chronically depressed inmates who don't take too kindly to being called 'girlfriend'.

Meanwhile orange jumps suits are out as Auntie Gok's sassy new range of waterproofs ensure inmates can look just great when undergoing 'enhanced interrogation techniques'

Teenage Militant Ninja Students

More cartoon capers as the gang set about causing further trouble for the establishment.

Gavin sticks it to the man by throwing a shopping trolley off a multi-storey car park after he finds out the food parcel his mum sent him doesn't contain his usual brand of duck pate.

Leslie Grantham's Web Cam Wanks

Jizz-based game show hosted by former EastEnder Leslie Grantham.

Female contestants compete for cash by attempting to determine the identity of Panto stars that are furiously masturbating at them via web cam.

Can they guess the celebrities' identities before they fire off their filthy man-muck?

Jools Holland Uninvited

Jools Holland turns up out of the blue to add some piano accompaniment to a set being performed by a popular Musician.

This week Jools interrupts a concert by Marilyn Manson in an attempt to provide the shock rocker's set with a more honky tonk edge.

"Most of the keys have been removed from his anus, but they're having a few complications with the stool," reveals the former Squeeze member's manager.

Pro-Celebrity Soggy Biscuit

More masturbating mayhem as Joe Pasquale teams up with 3 times UK champion John 'Jizzy' Gillespie to take on Public Enemy's Flavor Flav and current US champ Hank 'The Spoff' Hasselspoff.

A controversial contest as Joe and Jizzy win the toss and choose a Jaffa Cake as the target for their he-mess. Flav and The Spoff refer the selection to the referee, but with the pages of the rule book stuck together it goes to the public vote.

Genitals Do The Funniest Things

Hilarious show in which Michael Barrymore interviews men who have absolutely no control over the antics of their genitals.

The 'awright' star, who may or may not harbour a dark secret, also meets a woman whose vagina resembles Predator eating a kebab.

Opinionated Slags

Ill-informed lunchtime gossip show cum women's magazine featuring Lynda Bellingham and Carol Vorderman talking about stuff that appeals to people who hate themselves and have nothing better to do.

This week: waxing

Amish Winehouse

A five part documentary that seeks to explore the toxic effects of extreme drinking on the hitherto teetotal Amish community of Winsconsin.

Todd turns up at Bible study with a delicious Cabernet Sauvignon, but is thrashed to with an inch of his life as punishment.

The community comes together in deciding the right moment to switch off his life support machine.

Park and Ride

Join members of the influential nineties shoegaze combo 'Ride' as they find interesting stuff to do in parks.

This week frontman Mark builds an excellent den out of bracken but the day turns sour when Loz gets his fingers bitten by a squirrel.

The boys then argue about whether he should go for a tetanus jab

1,000 lb Drop Live

Davina McCall is joined by two more cocky retards, as they attempt to throw heavy objects from the balcony of her hotel. Available in metric on digital channels.

Celebrity stashed in the attic

Noel Edmonds has been wrapped in old paper and stuffed in a loft. Can you be bothered to find out if it's yours? Subtitles, if the banging gets too loud.

I Can Afford a Massive House

Kirsty and Phil help another couple flaunt their unlikely wealth, as they moan and bitch about a series of castles within commuting distance of their imaginary successful business. Will they actually buy one, or decide to stay in their council house? Guest appearance by Mark Serwotka.

Can't Cook Fuck That

A lazy twat eats a pizza that's still frozen, while watching a cookery programme in his saggy pants. Contains upsetting scenes.

Quadroschizophrenia (1978, PG)

A group of four young mods travel to Brighton on mopeds that only exist in their imagination. Will they make it all the way without having a complete breakdown?

Described by critics as 'the feel odd film of the year' and 'insensitive horseshit'.

Contains some strobe lighting and a voice telling you to obey chickens.

The Money Programme

Harry Redknapp shows you how to complete your tax return.

Coronation Chicken Street

A slightly Asian family move in from the Far East (Bradford).

Postcode Lottery

Six hopeful kids battle it out for a single place at their local primary school.
Warning: contains scenes of a violent nature.

Holmes under the hammer

2-part special, ITV1, In the first part this week viewers lodge bids for tubby TV presenter Eamonn Holmes in an auction held via a premium rate phone line.

Next week's concluding part will see the winning bidder chase Holmes around the studio attempting to hit him in the face with a 9lb lump hammer. Will they catch him? Or is he quicker than he looks?

Gypsy Blood (C4)

Thieving pikey bastards beat the shit out of each other for our general entertainment and amusement