The Popular Front for the Liberation of the C.P.S.A
BY JUDAS ISCARIOT late January 2011
The tree's in the yard. The Christmas cards have been binned. The decorations tucked away for another year. The season of goodwill has gone – now just a blurred memory of stolen kisses, the usual excess of food and drink and a mini ice-age which now seems an eon away. Yes it's business as usual down in the dug-outs. And while we prepare for the AGMs, who knows who will be at Conference this year or whether we'll still have our jobs come May.
It's all academic for MARK HAMMOND though. The former Home Office Group President and his pals lost their appeals against dismissal and now can only look forward to some financial compensation at the ET. Not a peep from grandees or the usual champions of lost causes in the Independent Left.
In any other union the dismissal of a senior lay officer and a number of branch officials, on what would be considered trivial grounds anywhere else, would trigger industrial action of one form or another. Here, and it shows the real impotence of PCS despite all the fiery talk at the top, all the union can do is give advice for the tribunal and possibly see if anything can be done to help the victims find work at Falconcrest.
Well some of us need not worry. MARK SERWOTKA is back in the saddle at Falconcrest acting as if he hasn't a care in the world and only betraying the fact that he now has to live with a pacemaker by restricting his lunch to a modest plate of rabbit food.
Most were pleased to see MAREK up and about. The same could not be said for NIGEL PEARCE, the Falconcrest HR supremo whose fry-ups, pies and cheap tourist class freebies eventually caught up with him and struck him down with deep vein thrombosis last year Christmas. Those who hoped that the hated PIEMAN would throw in the towel and take medical retirement were sadly disappointed in January as the fat oaf will be returning to his sinecure claiming a complete recovery.
At the Falconcrest Xmas party one of the staff, known to this organ, became overtired and a taxi had to be summoned to convey the poorly chap home. Ah, that'll be HANSON, it's his party trick. But no, this time it was John HICKEY, and in a smart move by the party organisers, JIM was sent to accompany him to make sure John could get his key in the lock. This marks the first time ever that HANSON has left the Xmas beano SOBER.
As usual the grandees are looking forward to the AGMs and the elections which promise to be another landslide for the Democracy Alliance. The ineffectual 4TM opposition is incapable of running a serious national campaign and while few doubt that they can hold their existing four NEC seats nobody believes they are capable of making a serious challenge to the hegemony of the grandees.
But there's trouble brewing in the BIG TENT . The jailing of TOMMY SHERIDAN for three years for perjury has shaken the morale of the former Mendicants who had supported the former Scottish Socialist Party leader through thick and thin during his dispute with the News of the World over the past five years. And there may be worse to come.
During the recent well publicised trial PCS Vice President and top grandee ALAN BROWN swore under oath that SHERIDAN was with him on a particular time and date when the Scottish court accepts that he was actually visiting Cupid's, a “swingers” club in Manchester. According to the Glasgow Herald
“a member of the public has called on Strathclyde Police to investigate the evidence supplied by five of Sheridan 's defence witnesses during the perjury trial. In a letter to chief constable Stephen House, the citizen said he had “concern” about the testimony of Alan Brown and James Monaghan, who both said they saw Sheridan on the night he was alleged to have been at Cupid's”.
Ooh! I note that while BROWN has been quietly dropped from the LU slate for VEEP in the 2011 elections, he remains on the slate for the NEC, as published on the LU website. Further developments awaited.
I understand that Douglas Houghton House in Victoria is to be let to NAPO . Rumours of a deal, of course, had gone the rounds but, as usual the staff were the last to be officially informed – and even that was by a half-arsed aside during a pre-Christmas party meeting.
To be honest only six staff are affected now that negotiating & bargaining have been put into the industrial units. (and three of them are doing the job of one : Regional Learning, Union Learn & Admin). The learning centre, a few computers & the odd lesson will be fitted into a broom cupboard at Falconcrest, which will deprive Westminster's finest PCSO's & traffic wardens of a warm, safe haven with free tea!
It will be interesting to see if the absenteeism of its staff will improve when they get to Falconcrest. Their record at Dougie Houghton was appalling. At least two are subject to a monthly review of timekeeping and one is on a final warning.
It'll be equally interesting to see if the grandees eventually sell off the building. Though it would pump a huge amount of cash into our coffers, it would still be like flogging the family silver.
All's not well at Falconcrest. Nearly every regional office has at least one grievance against a fellow member of staff and every floor, yes, every floor in Falconcrest, is the subject of a dignity at work case. These aren't the usual Boff thing of subjecting staff to a 'competency reviews' (this he does when staff occasionally dare to say 'no' to him - they either leave or move sideways pretty quick) but reflect the usual lack of leadership in telling staff to behave.
The DWP in Leeds are, of course, at it again with CORKY 'allegedly' being the subject of a bullying case, a Birmingham staffer being massaged to help a personal case against local car salesman CHRIS MAY to go away; Liverpool – an officer taking a case against PCS management-surely not ? Cardiff – 'subtle' (oh yes) investigations being made into members expenses claims with allegations that Cardiff locals have been claiming overnight stays in Cardiff hotels…Scotland , Newcastle & Peterborough are all subject to reviews and in Exeter, the ever ambitious organiser is joining the NUT on 'being pissed off with being told what to do by the Socialist Party' or so she said at her review interview. Oh yes she did!
When a man says he approves of something in principle, it means he hasn't the slightest intention of putting it into practice.
Otto von Bismarck
Prussian premier and German Chancellor
1815 - 1898
Claus out - by Barrabas
Santa himself gatecrashed the First Minister's Christmas party for children at his official residence this week.
His reindeer and sleigh pulled up outside Bute House in Edinburgh's Charlotte Square where he was greeted by 32 excited pupils, and teachers, from St Peter's (Catholic) Primary School.
Barrabas can reveal the man behind the white beard was none other than Donny McIntyre. He's done this before.
With his bulging sack tossed cheerfully over his shoulder, Donny chortled: "I was delighted to be joined by new talent in the elf Department. My little helpers - Evelyn Barr, Scott Rogerson and Craig Smith - played a blinder. And as for Donald Cameron, he has a whole new career ahead of him!"
He added: "The kids absolutely loved it. Each one of them received a present and Christmas card and went home happy."
Let's take the mask off the ex-amateur boxer and NEC member. Would you want to meet Santa in a dark alley at night?
No offence meant, Donny, honest. Aaaarrgghh....
Silvio Berlusconi to be neutered
Italy's Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is to be taken to a vet to have his testes removed, the Italian government has confirmed.
‘He has become unmanageable,' said President Giorgio Napolitano. ‘He goes out every night and is obviously getting up to all sorts, often with some very young kittens. Even during the day he's either rubbing himself up against you or spraying up the curtains. We clearly can't get rid of him, so the only remaining course of action is to have him fixed.'
The decision has been made following a number of increasingly embarrassing incidents involving Mr Berlusconi. ‘We can't take him anywhere,' said one official. ‘Last week we had to physically restrain him at an international summit when he wouldn't stop trying to dry hump Angela Merkel's leg.'
The troublesome Prime Minister will be neutered sometime this week, although capturing the randy 74 year-old is proving to be far from easy. ‘We are still trying to get him inside the special wicker cage, or Berlusconi basket,' explained the head of Italy's Neuter Squad, Detective Aurelio Zen. ‘We left the basket in his office but so far he just looks at it suspiciously. It's almost as if he knows.'
It is hoped that Mr Berlusconi will eventually be tempted into the basket by a trail of little treats including razzle mags, the smell of prostitutes and an invitation to a bunga bunga party. Once Mr Berlusconi is captured he will be driven to the vet and placed under anaesthetic before having his testicles removed.
‘He might be a bit bad tempered for the first few days after the operation,' explained vet, Vitto Vettriano, ‘but it won't be long before he settles down to a more sedate lifestyle. He might even sit on your lap, although purely in the platonic sense.'
For many Italians, though, the neutering of their Prime Minister will not be before time. ‘Quite honestly we should have had him done years ago,' admitted President Napolitano. ‘It would have saved everyone a lot of trouble. I only hope that Mr Berlusconi can find the same level of satisfaction from playing with a ball of wool.'