tuesday

Round & About
By Judas Iscariot

A rainy night in Brighton. The hotels and bars ringing with the cheery sound of paedophiles rejoicing at the union's affiliation to the WOODCRAFT FOLK - a bunch of fascist vegan children led by adults who like to dress up.

PETER DONNELLAN (left) is networking for his future career which begins after he takes his well-earned rest after Conference. PETER is off to CUBA for a month of luxury in the EL PRESIDENTE Hotel in Havana. UNDY is trying to look like "one of the lads" poncing around in a rugby shirt at lunch-time, although he was back into his grey suit when night fell. A sombre analysis is going on within the ranks of the ME FISTERS. The Revenue crowd, headed By PRIESTLEY, are talking all sorts of disaffiliation nonsense again, while a small minority are even suggesting cutting a deal with the TROTS to spite the MODS.

But in dark corners new plots are being hatched. SERWOTKA and his bag-carrier JOHN MACREADIE (see page 3) are skulking around to see if the time is right for a show-down with the MODS over the scandal over the MODS' abuse of the membership lists and e-mail addresses to send out their slate. This is not the first time that the MODS have been caught RED HANDED with their fingers in the database -see PFLs passim (www.pflcpsa.com/white.html - The "Whitewash" Report)

If they can pin it on at least one MOD member of the new NEC then that one member could be disqualified. Though there will certainly be an inquest at the end of the day it is extremely unlikely that CURRIE will face any charges. What MAREK can and will do is order a reshuffle of all the full-time officer posts to punish and marginalize all his enemies while rewarding those who are prepared to play his game. One or two have already started to play on his vanity by ignoring the fact that the POLISH HERO dyes his hair and never mentioning that his middle name is HENDRYK.

While this was going on, the NEC met for two and a half hours to decide what to do over the anti-BARRY motions that the Moderates are determined will not be heard at all this week. bladder's gone crawling to his lawyers again and he got a guaranteed injunction in his back pocket should the RED-dominated Standing Orders Committee defy him and allow any of these clearly out-of-order and plainly defamatory motions to be debated. ME FIRST and the TROTS closed ranks against the Moderati last night to disassociate themselves from barry's legal threats. Some agreed initially to bankroll members of Standing Orders against legal costs if and when BAZZA's writ arrives. But the cowardly DONNELLAN had second thoughts and got this decision deferred - pending legal advice!

HENDRYK'S old chum, STEVE BATTLEMUCH, is back on the Conference scene. The notorious TROT jumped ship some years ago for a lucrative job with OXFAM. He's now been miraculously re-employed by the service at SEO level - but doubtless his politics have not changed despite his elevation to the high-castes. But we've been so far spared the presence of JOE LE TAXI who didn't get on anything this year though some Geordies fear he may show up later in the week. Look out for him. He's now got a goatee beard on one of his chins. FRANK THE WANK PEMBERTON is here for his last Conference. The ageing playboy has now reached 60 and goes to pastures new bereft of his council seat - lost to the Lib-Dems at the last local elections.

The high spot of this evening will undoubtedly be RAMSBLADDER's black-tie dinner at the BRIGHTON HOTEL. All his friends are invited to come along to say farewell to the man who devoted his entire working life for the benefit of the membership. MARION CHAMBERS is guest of honour and all delegates and observers will have a golden opportunity to shake the GREAT scot's hand for a modest donation of £20 towards the Moderati's legal fees.

Though drinking and gambling dominates the lives of most of the Moderati leaders, particularly those North of the Border, football comes a close third and last weekend was no exception. And back at the OLD SHIP, BERNIE WILLIAMS and his cronies had settled down to watch the big match until they were disturbed by MARTIN BOYLE. BARRY'S chief henchman had just discovered that the SHIP offered an in-house PORNO Channel at £7.50 for 12 hours. Overcome with excitement the OBESE SCOT rushed the set to try and programme it in. MARTIN, somewhat the worse for wear, and not as nimble as he was, only succeeded in tripping over his own legs. The TV went flying while the nearby furniture splintered under BOIL'S weight. Fortunately the television suffered no damage apart from the leads -which were torn out. So the lads missed the penalty shoot-outs and BIG JAZZA will just have to buy some more jazz mags in Brighton.

A while ago CHRIS GALLIGAN, a very caring person, decided to have a chat with JIM HANSON. She could see that BASIL had lost his way. He's rarely at his desk. He hardly ever answers the phone. He spends all his money drink and horses. He's wrecked his life and career. CHRIS hoped that a heart-to-heart would bring JIM to his senses and so did many of CHRIS and JIM'S friends. After the meeting they went up to CHRIS to ask her whether she got through to him. "I don't know," she replied. "He was pissed".

"A Bright New Future" is the new name for the re-launched "Trounce the Trots" rant issued at Conference by the Moderati. The added icing this year is their gloating over the carcase of ME1ST.

Of course, there is no mention of their part in helping to ensure a Trot GS was elected, by advising their members sotto voce to vote for Serwotka because he was the anti-Lanning candidate, and ME1ST were at the time posing a bigger threat to them than the Trots.

They mention the costly DWP dispute and say that members were conned into taking industrial action. Others argue that members took strike action because the bosses refused to protect their personal safety.

£7M, 6 Months of strike action and only 5% of demands met certainly suggest that someone was conning someone.

The Life of Saint Barry of Falcon Crest - Chapter the First

In the beginning, mere mortals realised that St Barry was not like other boys. Found in a shopping trolley miraculously afloat on the Clyde, he was raised in humble surroundings by a family of riveters. Gifted, handsome, talented, and generous to a fault, he astounded his teachers with a wisdom they could not fathom and amazed his school chums with miracles like changing the milk into orange juice; a skill he later honed into water and whisky.

The Wilderness Years
Leaving school at 14 having clearly outstripped the abilities of his teachers, not much is known of how St Barry spent his formative years. We do know that he suffered bravely the temptations of strong spirit, gambling and the allure of the flesh. An especially long binge led to his direct confrontation with the evil inside. His terrifying visions of the Devil had him pleading for his life and his sanity. When he awoke, all was calm. The pain had gone. Thus he gave thanks to The Lord and promised to serve Him faithfully for the rest of his life. He vowed to take holy orders and set off for lona in the footsteps of St Columba

The Road to London
Verily, On his way to the Monastery, he heard the bells ring. "Turn Again."
Turn again Barry Reamsbottom. Thrice General Secretary of CPSA.
The scales fell from his eyes and without hesitation, he knew what he had to do.

In those days, he picked The Twelve. Martin, Michael, Stuart, James, John, Bernard, Peter, Anthony,
Donald, Jock, Sandy and Alex
Saying unto them: I will make you fishers of men if you follow me.
And then took he the long road to London.

It was while journeying through The Forest of Laphroiag that he cameth upon the Three Weird
Systers; Amanda, Doreen and Skippy. They delivered him a strange and terrible prophecy.
All Hail Barry Thane of Glasgow. All Hail Barry Thane of Falconcrest.
All Hail Barry; Greater than Willis but Lesser
All Hail Barry, General Secretary for Life, yet Not So.

The Islamic Left - “Prayers not Politics”

We welcome new talibs to this biennial madrassa. It is our custom to issue impartial Islamic assessment on the matters raised in the Conference agenda. These instructions take the form you see below. Most branches arrive mandated on most motions but where indicated, if your mandate conflicts with this advice, you should consider your duty to the Higher Authority.

A24 Support
One of the truly enlightened motions on the agenda this week. It goes without saying that we expect devout brothers to use the opportunity this policy will present to promote the Islamicisation of the Civil Service Trade Union movement.

A25 Support
At last, a chance to rid ourselves of the hypocrisy of Strike Pay! Clearly the waste of£7m on the recent pointless DWP dispute has begun to open members' eyes to the reality of their status.

A26 Oppose
Christian Nonsense. Islam rejects Usury. Islamic banks operate on the much more righteous basis of a fair return to investors on the basis of the risks they take.

A35 Oppose
Seasoned talibs will need no reminding that one of our remaining unfulfilled demands is that Conference itself be replaced by popular will of the masses. The NEC are of course mere democratic parasites on the members subscriptions. The Islamic way calls for leadership to be thrust upon those most suited to it by simple popular acclaim. How do you think we got where we are today?

A101 Oppose
Throw this motion of appeasement out without discussion so that conference can move on to debate the much more realistic EM3.

A102 Oppose
More pleas for appeasement. Move quickly on.

EM3 Support - Regardless of Branch Mandate.
This motion does not suffer the weakness of A101 and the blatant liberalism of 102 and we have no
difficulty in advising support.

A102 Support
Mumia Abu-Jamal is a Moslem.

PFLCPSA NEWS - WE NEED DOSH. NOW.
Probationary Hero Status has duly been awarded to KAREN HAILEY for raising the consciousness of Conference with our first PFL Point of Order of the week. It is by far the cheapest method of advertising our eternal presence, but you should spare a thought for the brave agents who sacrifice their careers by blowing their cover in this reckless fashion.

Daily debriefing in WEATHERSPOONS (If you don't know where it is we don't want you there anyway) During Conference hours we will circulate the usual watering holes. Official T-Shirts are now available from Senior Officers, temptingly priced at £10. Costs Continue to Rise so extra large and entirely voluntary donations are desperately needed to ensure daily production.

Please give generously and often. Cash preferred, but cheques made payable to PFLCPSA are acceptable, backed by a current cheque guarantee card. It's safe this year to give donations to the bearded chap with the walking stick, Oxfam suit and appalling snuff habit - he's not drinking. Remember - we depend on a small number of brave informers who daily risk life and limb to bring you the truth. If you wish to join this select band, simply approach an Imam with an appropriate supplication. This will guarantee your place in Paradise.

Bribes, of course, are a different matter: if you have a particular item that you either wish to see included, or buried, get in touch and we'll discuss a price. Bear in mind that we reserve the right to approach any other party who may be involved to see if they'll pay more, or if their version of events is more juicy.

The Website is up and running (since 1978) at www.pflcpsa.com

Like a bad tooth or a lame foot is reliance on the unfaithful in times of trouble - Revered Enron