The Popular Front for the Liberation of the C.P.S.A
BY JUDAS ISCARIOT AUGUST 2010
Balmy days. The old ennui hovers over the trenches largely abandoned as the high-castes and other ranks stampede to the beach to make the most of what might be their last paid holiday in the service. The great and the good have ponced off for their long summer holidays in the parts of Lombardy, Southern France and the Caribbean that others cannot reach. Some have even swanned off to Greece at the members expense. Parliament has adjourned and the media are filling their columns with even more rubbish to fill the bits in between the adverts. Yes, you've guessed it, the silly season is upon us.
Falconcrest is barely ticking over as we await the Second Coming of MARK SERWOTKA in September. That's when the NEC reconvenes after a languid July session that was no surprise given the dismal leadership of the grandees and the so-called 4TM opposition on the NEC.
Only two of the 4TM Gang of Four showed up to challenge the serried ranks of the grandees, and ROB BRYSON and SIMON COLLIS weren't up to much. The grandees are now focusing on attacking the Liberal-Democrats as the weak link in the Con-Dem coalition – a point raised by COLLIS at the JUNE meeting though his objective is more to drive a wedge between COMER's crowd and the rest of the Democracy Alliance.
The grandee stance isn't rocket science. Every Labour backbencher is attacking the Lib-Dems for supporting the Government's anti-social cuts NICK CLEGG opposed when he was touting for votes last May. Lib-Dem support has slumped in the opinion polls. CLEGG may get a rough ride from his rank-and-file at Lib-Dem conference this autumn and maybe an even bigger one when the AV referendum is defeated next May. The coalition may then fall apart. Or it may not. What is certain is that the only alternative to a Tory government, or Tory-led coalition, is a Labour government.
That's where the grandees, or at least the former MENDICANTS in the Socialist Party, come unstuck. They clearly expected Labour to get slaughtered at the May election accompanied by a surge of support for the fringe left protest parties. In fact the exact opposite happened. Labour appealed, at long last, to its traditional constituency and only narrowly lost the election while the fringe left parties averaged a derisory 0.02 per cent of the vote in the constituencies. But the grandees carry on as if nothing has happened.
Deputy Veep and top grandee guru, JOHN McINALLY, calls for a fight against the cuts but he always ends up in calling for mass industrial action which the union cannot deliver and support for fringe left electoral slates whose names nobody can remember. And it will come to nothing unless it's linked to the demands of the major unions in the country.
Everybody knows that Labour's right-wing wants as much as it can get for as little as it will give from the unions and the movers and shakers on the TUC must ensure that the new Labour leader, whichever MILLEIBAND it turns out to be, takes on board the demands of organised labour. But this is a game that SERWOTKA and the grandees have dealt themselves out of from the start with their Quixotic calls to support this, that or the other political front the Socialist Party chooses to call itself when it stands in elections.
It was the same at the DWP GEC which met last month for the usual two days of inconsequential discussion. BIG MAC led the debate on stopping the cuts. He foresaw that there would not just be ‘one set piece' battle but many, and that we should ‘carefully pick our battles and fights' while avoiding ‘any concessions whatsoever'.
BIG MAC then called for unity in the face of these challenges but rather undermined that by then setting about attacking everyone in ‘the movement' with whom he disagreed. Now there's a surprise. No wonder JACKIE DUTTON is jumping ship in September for happier climes working for a full-time post in a teaching union. Our best wishes go to Jackie - keep in touch with us.
Meanwhile a huge contingent of boozy troopers descended on Durham on 10 th July for the 126 th Miner's Gala. Nearly 200 PCS reprobates, including KEVIN McHUGH, joined the tens of thousands who marched through the cathedral town to the rally that's the centre-piece of this northern festival. Speakers included KEN LIVINGSTONE, TONY BENN, JEREMY CORBYN MP and our own LEON BAUGH.
BOFF stood in for SERWOTKA, much to the displeasure of HUGH LANNING, who thought it should have been him on seniority. Fortunately wiser heads prevailed and a riot of retired miners was avoided. MAREK is invited to speak next year along with BOB CROW and COLIN MOSES (POA).
In the old days when there were still mines in Britain the Gala was a rumbustious event. Publicans took on extra hands and tradesmen boarded up their shops in anticipation of the alcohol-fuelled night of revelry that followed the “big meeting”. Alas the high-spot of the day, as far as PCS was concerned, was when two eyes met across the throng of banners.
GORDON MABON (DWP Sunderland) spied KAY GILCHRIST- WARD (DWP South Tyneside) rekindling the days when they had been engaged when both were sweet 18 year olds!
MABON attempted bravado be asking "whatever happened to that large rock of an engagement ring I gave you?" KAY responded by stated that MABON had always got the size of things wrong (to much guffawing from female members). MABON then tried to tell all and sundry that the said ring was akin to something that LIZ TAYLOR would have been proud of.
Nothing was said.....until ten days later at a mass meeting of NORTH EAST DWP reps when KAY appeared wearing the ring. The diamond? It was barely the size of a pinhead and MABON eventually admitted that it cost the princely sum of £4.85! MABON who hails from ALLOA did the rumour about Scottish tightness no good at all!
And still oop north we hear that John Cole has resigned as editor of the weekly bulletin of the Civil Service Sports Council after complaints about his alleged ribald language. So he's decided to go underground and continue his bulletins that will be emailed to the chosen few under the title “Coley's Hot Goss”. Don't forget to put us on the mailing list…
The Hon. Michael McCann MP, late of this Parish, is losing no time wedging his snout firmly in the trough in defiance of the last Parliament's expenses scandal. He's employed his wife Tracy to run his office at a salary of at least 36K. I'm sure she's adequately qualified for the role. Tracy's previous job was as a booking clerk at the local council. http://www.eastkilbridenews.co.uk/lanarkshire-news/local-news-lanarkshire/local-news-east-kilbride/2010/07/21/mp-mccann-criticised-for-employing-his-wife-68653-26899930/
Mick is also employing Gordy the Gopher Paterson as a "research assistant" at the HoC. He'll be in charge of wiring the computers together and explaining the functions of keyboard and mouse to the new MP.
It's not all plain sailing being an MP though; when Sir Mick recently flew off with the family for a holiday on the island of cheap booze and punch-ups, Ibiza, some drunken revellers were thrown off his plane, holding it up for 3 hours. See
McCann said: "Glasgow Airport, EasyJet and the police should never have let them board. I'll be writing to the chief constable, the airline and BAA Airports to determine how we can stop this happening.
"Everyone is entitled to relax with a drink before they go on holiday, but drunken, loutish behaviour has to be stopped."
Quite so. But Lord Mick has become a little forgetful of his own antics involving alcohol and aeroplanes back in 1996, which we helpfully recorded for posterity: http://www.pflcpsa.com/mccanngate/mccanngate.htm
(At this stage in the proceedings Barrabas cues Gregorian chant of Metallica's "Nothing Else Matters" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7csvgL-G3E intoned over by readings from John 7:8 and Matthew 7:1-5).
Entrepreneurs are simply those who understand that there is little difference between obstacle and opportunity and are able to turn both to their advantage.
Niccolo Machiavelli
Panasonic to build plasma TV targeted at parents
Following recent complaints that their latest 'NeoPDP' plasma televisions attract more small smudgy fingerprints than they used to, electronics giant Panasonic has decided to specifically target the 'parents' market, announcing their latest screen to be 'fingerprint proof'. Patent filings reveal that Panasonic were initially considering electrifying the fascia, but despite being massively successful as a fingerprint deterrent, they found that it attracted too many small flies and pet hairs to be of any practical use.
A spokesman dismissed concerns from environmentalists that the company is ignoring its usual green credentials as 'scaremongering'. 'We believe the benefit to parents of not having to shout in vain at their toddler before finding their pride and joy smothered in chocolate outweighs the fact that the new display technology uses over three times the power of a standard CRT television, even during standby.'
The company says that special coatings and polymers applied to their latest screens, along with the massive increase in power consumption, can push the screen temperature up to the point that even one brief touch can remove a toddler's fingerprints. 'That should make sure the little shits keep their grubby mitts off,' said their spokesman. 'They don't bloody do it twice I can tell you!'
Boy, 9, in accidental fruit and veg overdose
Nine year old Sam Ryder of Stevenage is in a stable condition this morning following an accidental fruit and vegetable overdose.
His mother Aimee described the moment when a relaxing family evening in front of the telly turned into a life changing moment. ‘Sam had finished a large packet of crisps and I wouldn't let him have another one, so he wandered into the kitchen and found an apple. We're always telling him to eat better stuff so we were delighted, but when he'd finished it his face started to turn a disgustingly healthy shade of pink.
‘We knew at once something was wrong, and we asked him what else he'd been eating. He'd had crisps watching telly, haribos when he was gaming and a large popcorn at the cinema, so that was OK. But he'd had a banana at breakfast time and had then been to his nan's for lunch, where she'd given him broccoli and beans and a whole glass of orange juice. When he got back he raided the cupboard and had two whole handfuls of raw sultanas. The apple had tipped him over five a day. Our poor baby was the victim of an overdose.'
Sam said that his mum called the out of hours doctor but no one was available to see him for at least two hours, so in the end they had to get an ambulance to take him to Accident and Emergency at the nearby Lister Hospital.
Consultant surgeon Mr Tom Morris said that without swift intervention Sam could have reached a critical state and might have started to demand to read books and go for long walks in the country. ‘Mums have enough demands on their time without having to cope with this kind of non-conforming behaviour,' he said.
Aimee said it had been a close run thing and the emergency services had been golden, but the government should do more to warn parents about the potential dangers of healthy eating.